This is how I have come to understand how my brain works.
May is for some reason Mental Illness Awareness Month:
You may be wondering what it's like to live with both Bi-polar type 1 and Anxiety with OCD (which includes something called Intrusive thought syndrome). Answer: It's horrible and also extremely helpful, and I wouldn't change my brain for anything in the world. I would probably be a lot more boring and less dramatic. By talking about it and writing about it, I let myself into the equation as well as you lot, so I don't feel scared and alone just thinking about it.
Here are some things I know, and I hope they make you understand me better, and help me feel more open about shit. I am American, and I also grew up with a brother who had a speech impediment, and a certain way of talking without pauses. You could say I was always used to the intricacies of the brain since childhood. Sometimes I talk like how my brother and I talk together, so my name and sentences come out like this:
illielllgh
ghellohghowareyough?
It sounds like there are no pauses, and I stress that I really don't know how to write it out. this was the closest that I could write it I think. It's a very primal way of talking, everything comes out more with tones than with words, and I think American English is a lot like that. We rely on the tone of the person speaking, more than what the person is saying unlike that in proper English. If you are angry, you sound angry. If you are happy, your tone is happy. I recognize that British people do do this too, just that American English often sounds much more akin to the person's exact feelings at a certain point in time in entirety, especially as children.
As a result of the terrible pronunciation of my own name, everyone hears "Milly" instead of the most common "illy" name for girls "Lily."
Anxiety and mania coupled with my sincere need to explore caused me to have this intensity that people would commonly call something like, "confident" "annoying" "forceful." I would constantly want adult's attention, and later on other kids as a I grew up. I particularly remember feeling devastated that I couldn't play football with the boys and be a boy as a 1st grader. I always wanted to be included. I had this fear of abandonment even then, so I would try to seem as open as possible, which would terrify others. And when my attempts seemed futile I'd cry alot. I also would become very prone to tantrums as a young child. I don't have a quick temper normally, you'd really have to tick me off or be insanely rude or unkind to someone or a group of people in a normal or easy way fueled by warped ego.
School felt very scary, but also so comforting for my anxious brain. I had a routine and a sense of safety with adults there to tell me that I could learn how to communicate and learn about the world right there.
I had an obsession with reading that started probably since birth. Even before I could properly write or read, I would follow the amount of words as my father read to me and ask him to go back to read it exactly like it was written and to not slur it, to sound out the words and not change it. I was very very eager to read and understand the human language. I remember exactly when my mother picked me up my first day of preschool and me feelings as I began to cry. "They didn't teach us how to read!" I wept earnestly. 'Why the fuck was I going?' was what I was thinking. That's what school was for right? I didn't learn how to properly read until I was six (which was far too late for my brain). I could read extremely fast, but I would savour the words as I read them. I remember reading something about a fox being chased by a badger under a log. We made many little paper books with staples in them. Kids would read so slow that it would take ages for them to get through one book.
"The fox went swiftly under the wooden log, as the badger chased him," I read perfectly, very proud, akin to Hermionie Granger.
"Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh fffffffffffffffffffoooooooooooooooooooooooxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx..."
I squirmed in my chair furiously. 'The sentences are so short," I thought.
I really was so intense about reading.
I've always had an intense obsessive nature that drives me to do things I love, and learn more and more. I hope it never goes away.
I remember having a difficult time with my OCD in fifth grade. Just erasing things over and over until I wrote them exactly like I wanted them, which really made no sense, because my best writing was usually at night when I had been incredibly and suddenly inspired and scrawling like a mad hatter until the early hours of the morning. I don't mean the word content, I mean the style. Because of this desire to write like a professional secretary, I was wrote in cursive very well. I began to always write my name from the age of 7 or so in cursive when at an after school program a friend whom is now militarily trained and back from being sent to the Middle East, married in Texas, and has one son who can stand and one on the way, taught me to write my name that way. I learned then in lower-case and my perfectionist mind was very bothered that I had to write a whole new capital letter when I was 9. My name in cursive is beautiful and I still love to write it that way.
I just remember being very fearful. I had a wonderful childhood, but that has nothing to do with the feelings I felt. I did have mood swings, I just remember them more as I went through puberty.
Age 12 hit and as soon as sixth grade started I was extremely depressed all the time. My parents were fighting a lot, and I think that makes children very nervous and feel unsafe, however the fight may be.
I have kept being this depressed, but am much happier now. It's transformed and is not the same as it was then, but I think it really started for me then. the anxiety, the discomfort, the depression, and more apparent mood swings.
Struggling with mental illnesses doesn't mean I was or am a weak person. I am very sensitive and think in levels bordering an insomniac physicist (although I have yet to master even the most basic physics equations). I also have mood swings and fear of doing the worst thing ever. Intrusive thought syndrome is this obsessive survivalist way of thinking that can be very bad if you act on it, which is abnormal. It comes from, just in case I will think of every worst thing that could ever happen ever just so I know that's there. I've had that FOREVER. It's not just if a stranger came into the house right now what would I do? It's always prefaced with "what if?" An example is, "What if the world blew up right now--now--now--now--now--now--now--now?" It can be extremely scary and debilitating if it's not entertained as just a thought. Because if it seems to real, your anxiety will grip onto it and just an ordinary thought for your brain could cause a panic attack.
This made me a very anxious, very emotional, and soon very ill younger adult. I was a wreck in college. Pretty much so too in high school, but college was like a very bad nightmare that happens to be in school.
I think I was pushed over the edge by the sudden death of my cousin last year in the second semester of my sophomore year of college. I found out very suddenly in public before I went to school. And I was just unable to heal or grieve entirely, because I was constantly in school. I really think it was that that really got me so uncomfortable to be so emotional around people.
I needed to get out of there anyway, regardless of my mental illnesses.
The reason people call it an illness, is not because they are victimizing themselves, they are brought to their very lowest capabilities of their being. They are brought to feeling unwell, because they either don't let themselves stop and rest in a time of healing, or their illness is that severe, and they are brought to it very fast.
I have felt very isolated, and very misunderstood when it comes to having to not work or be in school for what I know is for my personal well-being. I would love to share when I feel I can and can, because I really would like to give the straight facts about how my brain works.
Anxiety is actually scientifically associated with people with high IQs, or those considered "geniuses." A website called LiveScience explains that in a study in 2012 of 26 patients with anxiety disorder and 18 healthy people did an IQ test and a questionnaire that assessed their level of worry, when it came to their assessments "the higher the worry level, the greater their IQ score was." There is reason to expect that anxiety disorders may have "co-evolved" with intelligence (Rettner). Those who were healthy with low levels of worry had a higher IQ level, and those who had higher levels of worry had a lower IQ. That really makes sense as you think about it. As more primitive creatures, those who suspected danger were more likely to protect their children and the tribe more. So, maybe those who would do best in an educational setting need to be asked more about how they feel about certain things year by year as children, into adolescence and even college.
The 20s are not only when the brain is finishing up developing, but the survivalist button is pushed more, the pressures are higher than they've ever been, and new things and experiences are at times disturbing and anxiety-provoking. If illnesses have not been apparent to people during childhood, the illnesses definitely rear their heads in an adult human during their 20s. How I would view it is the brain's desire to be in control, and fear and mania being the exact opposite of control. They are important to acknowledge and live with, but really they can get out of hand.
The stigma associated with being unable to be afraid and crazy is unnecessarily apparent in our cultures. Adults really need to observe the connections of a child's way of acting and their abilities in and out of school. What is the situation? Without judging, what is the child's real state of being? How do they talk about themselves? Are they quick to frighten, anger? Are they out of control often?
[Do not resist treatment as a ground rule. But don't let others steer your destiny. Also, do not let the world created in the past affect your world in the present in any way.]
Also know that by seeking help and needing time away from what others call "normal life" (being in social institutions like school and a "job"), you have not "lost" the war,
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Rettner, Rachael. "Anxiety Linked to High IQ." LiveScience. TechMedia Network, 13 Apr. 2012. Web. 06 May 2015.
(needs editing)
May is for some reason Mental Illness Awareness Month:
(the colours are constantly changing, but it seems Bi-polar Disorder is Lime Green and OCD is Teal)
You may be wondering what it's like to live with both Bi-polar type 1 and Anxiety with OCD (which includes something called Intrusive thought syndrome). Answer: It's horrible and also extremely helpful, and I wouldn't change my brain for anything in the world. I would probably be a lot more boring and less dramatic. By talking about it and writing about it, I let myself into the equation as well as you lot, so I don't feel scared and alone just thinking about it.
Here are some things I know, and I hope they make you understand me better, and help me feel more open about shit. I am American, and I also grew up with a brother who had a speech impediment, and a certain way of talking without pauses. You could say I was always used to the intricacies of the brain since childhood. Sometimes I talk like how my brother and I talk together, so my name and sentences come out like this:
illielllgh
ghellohghowareyough?
It sounds like there are no pauses, and I stress that I really don't know how to write it out. this was the closest that I could write it I think. It's a very primal way of talking, everything comes out more with tones than with words, and I think American English is a lot like that. We rely on the tone of the person speaking, more than what the person is saying unlike that in proper English. If you are angry, you sound angry. If you are happy, your tone is happy. I recognize that British people do do this too, just that American English often sounds much more akin to the person's exact feelings at a certain point in time in entirety, especially as children.
As a result of the terrible pronunciation of my own name, everyone hears "Milly" instead of the most common "illy" name for girls "Lily."
Anxiety and mania coupled with my sincere need to explore caused me to have this intensity that people would commonly call something like, "confident" "annoying" "forceful." I would constantly want adult's attention, and later on other kids as a I grew up. I particularly remember feeling devastated that I couldn't play football with the boys and be a boy as a 1st grader. I always wanted to be included. I had this fear of abandonment even then, so I would try to seem as open as possible, which would terrify others. And when my attempts seemed futile I'd cry alot. I also would become very prone to tantrums as a young child. I don't have a quick temper normally, you'd really have to tick me off or be insanely rude or unkind to someone or a group of people in a normal or easy way fueled by warped ego.
School felt very scary, but also so comforting for my anxious brain. I had a routine and a sense of safety with adults there to tell me that I could learn how to communicate and learn about the world right there.
I had an obsession with reading that started probably since birth. Even before I could properly write or read, I would follow the amount of words as my father read to me and ask him to go back to read it exactly like it was written and to not slur it, to sound out the words and not change it. I was very very eager to read and understand the human language. I remember exactly when my mother picked me up my first day of preschool and me feelings as I began to cry. "They didn't teach us how to read!" I wept earnestly. 'Why the fuck was I going?' was what I was thinking. That's what school was for right? I didn't learn how to properly read until I was six (which was far too late for my brain). I could read extremely fast, but I would savour the words as I read them. I remember reading something about a fox being chased by a badger under a log. We made many little paper books with staples in them. Kids would read so slow that it would take ages for them to get through one book.
"The fox went swiftly under the wooden log, as the badger chased him," I read perfectly, very proud, akin to Hermionie Granger.
"Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh fffffffffffffffffffoooooooooooooooooooooooxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx..."
I squirmed in my chair furiously. 'The sentences are so short," I thought.
I really was so intense about reading.
I've always had an intense obsessive nature that drives me to do things I love, and learn more and more. I hope it never goes away.
I remember having a difficult time with my OCD in fifth grade. Just erasing things over and over until I wrote them exactly like I wanted them, which really made no sense, because my best writing was usually at night when I had been incredibly and suddenly inspired and scrawling like a mad hatter until the early hours of the morning. I don't mean the word content, I mean the style. Because of this desire to write like a professional secretary, I was wrote in cursive very well. I began to always write my name from the age of 7 or so in cursive when at an after school program a friend whom is now militarily trained and back from being sent to the Middle East, married in Texas, and has one son who can stand and one on the way, taught me to write my name that way. I learned then in lower-case and my perfectionist mind was very bothered that I had to write a whole new capital letter when I was 9. My name in cursive is beautiful and I still love to write it that way.
I just remember being very fearful. I had a wonderful childhood, but that has nothing to do with the feelings I felt. I did have mood swings, I just remember them more as I went through puberty.
Age 12 hit and as soon as sixth grade started I was extremely depressed all the time. My parents were fighting a lot, and I think that makes children very nervous and feel unsafe, however the fight may be.
I have kept being this depressed, but am much happier now. It's transformed and is not the same as it was then, but I think it really started for me then. the anxiety, the discomfort, the depression, and more apparent mood swings.
Struggling with mental illnesses doesn't mean I was or am a weak person. I am very sensitive and think in levels bordering an insomniac physicist (although I have yet to master even the most basic physics equations). I also have mood swings and fear of doing the worst thing ever. Intrusive thought syndrome is this obsessive survivalist way of thinking that can be very bad if you act on it, which is abnormal. It comes from, just in case I will think of every worst thing that could ever happen ever just so I know that's there. I've had that FOREVER. It's not just if a stranger came into the house right now what would I do? It's always prefaced with "what if?" An example is, "What if the world blew up right now--now--now--now--now--now--now--now?" It can be extremely scary and debilitating if it's not entertained as just a thought. Because if it seems to real, your anxiety will grip onto it and just an ordinary thought for your brain could cause a panic attack.
This made me a very anxious, very emotional, and soon very ill younger adult. I was a wreck in college. Pretty much so too in high school, but college was like a very bad nightmare that happens to be in school.
I think I was pushed over the edge by the sudden death of my cousin last year in the second semester of my sophomore year of college. I found out very suddenly in public before I went to school. And I was just unable to heal or grieve entirely, because I was constantly in school. I really think it was that that really got me so uncomfortable to be so emotional around people.
I needed to get out of there anyway, regardless of my mental illnesses.
The reason people call it an illness, is not because they are victimizing themselves, they are brought to their very lowest capabilities of their being. They are brought to feeling unwell, because they either don't let themselves stop and rest in a time of healing, or their illness is that severe, and they are brought to it very fast.
I have felt very isolated, and very misunderstood when it comes to having to not work or be in school for what I know is for my personal well-being. I would love to share when I feel I can and can, because I really would like to give the straight facts about how my brain works.
Anxiety is actually scientifically associated with people with high IQs, or those considered "geniuses." A website called LiveScience explains that in a study in 2012 of 26 patients with anxiety disorder and 18 healthy people did an IQ test and a questionnaire that assessed their level of worry, when it came to their assessments "the higher the worry level, the greater their IQ score was." There is reason to expect that anxiety disorders may have "co-evolved" with intelligence (Rettner). Those who were healthy with low levels of worry had a higher IQ level, and those who had higher levels of worry had a lower IQ. That really makes sense as you think about it. As more primitive creatures, those who suspected danger were more likely to protect their children and the tribe more. So, maybe those who would do best in an educational setting need to be asked more about how they feel about certain things year by year as children, into adolescence and even college.
The stigma associated with being unable to be afraid and crazy is unnecessarily apparent in our cultures. Adults really need to observe the connections of a child's way of acting and their abilities in and out of school. What is the situation? Without judging, what is the child's real state of being? How do they talk about themselves? Are they quick to frighten, anger? Are they out of control often?
[Do not resist treatment as a ground rule. But don't let others steer your destiny. Also, do not let the world created in the past affect your world in the present in any way.]
This may seem pretentious, but based on what I have read, maybe those with anxiety disorders are meant to be the innovators and the protectors of the tribe? Maybe they are the caretakers of the tribe? We, those with anxiety disorders and mood disorders may be the carriers of a slight human evolution, or carry something special that helps us in being better artists, physicists, lovers, friends, community members and parents. Honestly, my friends with anxiety disorders are the most down to earth, intelligent and considerate people I have met. My younger brother who has a learning disorder, PTSD and anxiety with OCD, has grasps of what could be defined as Gothic Romantic Era poetry and what could be basic and innovative engineering skills (he takes machines apart and puts them back together with some success).
My brain also has many other things in it and ways of functioning that aren't related to mental illnesses, but this is quite a lot so here's my piece for now.Also know that by seeking help and needing time away from what others call "normal life" (being in social institutions like school and a "job"), you have not "lost" the war,
You have won the war.
Keep fighting the good fight, warrior!
Because Antpeople are the warriors!
(needs editing)
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