Writing from the back of my hand

Not only do I want to write this. I need to write this. I have this feeling of sickness just moving all the gunk out of my head, my heart, my soul. I didn't know that everything would be this hard. I could not have known what drastic occurrences would happen, nor my illness shaping so much of my adolescence and first years of adulthood, which to me still count as adolescence. Sometimes I have felt like people see me as this saint, sent here to solve everything. I also feel like people see me as this narcissistic monster, that makes people feel hate and pity. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want to be a monster. What am I? I don't know. Maybe I won't know until my last breath, where my last words will be, "Aha." Maybe I'll know tomorrow. The next second. At dawn. Maybe so one's meant to know until after they die. People assume that people who act like they have all the answers do, and they don't. I don't have all the answers. And I'm not here for just other people, I came here for me. I wanted to be here. Lillie needed to exist. I have this great vision. I don't know where I'm supposed to be. I've become ill trying to race out the clock, and I won't do it again. Never again. I think now is the best time to tell you, I don't have a clue who I am. I really don't. I'm many things: a human, a soul, an alien, and Earthican. A daughter, a child, an adult, a sibling, a sister, a lover, a guardian, and my own parent. Also I'm a friend. My openness startles people, even people who have known me for decades (2 and 1 year). I don't want to be ill. I don't want to be running around, unable to make anything. I just want to be safe and healthy, and for my mind and heart to be fed.

I watched the new Avengers movie with Alex, my lover and my darling. We saw this scene with The Incredible Hulk and the Black Widow. They are in love, but they can't be together right now because of things they have kept secret from everyone, because they feel that those things make them monsters (which they don't). Incredible Hulk explains that, since he has ravaged the city after being possessed by the Scarlet Witch (one of my favorite characters), he feels that he must protect people from that and never lead a normal life, just run away. The Black Widow explains that she feels like she is a monster too, because at her ballet school and training ground they are castrated as a graduation ceremony. She can never have a family, and they have made her a killing machine. I love those characters. Alex and I looked at each other, because both those feelings were exactly like how I was feeling in a way. My mental illness, the bi-polar disorder made me feel out of control, so I kept trying to remain in control while it was happening, just hoping I wouldn't become out of control. And when I had an episode in front of Alex, it makes me feel terrible. Thoughts like I could never lead a normal life, that it would never go away and only cause harm and destruction, and maybe hurt those around me. Also, because of my personal feelings and having bi-polar disorder, I can't have my own children. It has made me feel badly about wanting to have a future with someone who may want to have his own children the future. I couldn't really voice that, but as soon as we saw it we felt that understanding. Those were my fears, my thoughts. But those things weren't me. Those thoughts are just fear, ego trying to make me feel ashamed. You're responsible for your feelings to a point. You are not your illnesses, things that occur that are out of your control. They are not you.

I'm glad that things happened the way they did . I had things to triumph over, to learn from, to forget and not take responsibility for.